The Natives Are Restless

Procession of the Feces

2009-05-05T14:17:00.001-07:00

Well I saw in the news the other day that it was that time of year again. Time for the annual, Procession of the Feces. This is probably the single biggest patchouli smelling, Birkenstock wearing, feel-good bunch of bull shit, that has ever graced the streets of downtown Bend. The Pet Parade and Zany Daze are much more worthwhile events than this slithering mass of animal excrement.96.3% of the participants are from California, Portland, and/or Seattle. The rest are locals that are the spawn of people from California, Portland, and/or Seattle. I know this to be true because I went down and looked at them. It was obvious.

I bet the vast majority of those people have never been east of Costco. They don't know the difference between a sage rat and a golden mantle ground squirrel. They've never seen a wild coyote (pronounced kai-oat) or antelope. They don't know if a steelhead is a rainbow trout or a chinook salmon. The only elk they've seen are in a big pen next to the Sisters High School. And they feed the fucking deer!

So they have their little parade and prance around like a bunch of fools. And teach their kids about animals from T.V., magazines, museums, and parades...instead of going out and living it.

Hey Randy Sebastian---Buh Bye

2008-09-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like our old friend, Randy Sebastian, that uber-smarmy house peddling creep from Oregon City, is going belly up. Although he will be allowed to "reorganize" under Chapter 11 protection, I have a feeling that the boy is toast. He claims in a letter to local realtors that he will be conducting "business as usual." Hey Randy, you still gonna be giving away those cutesy little pocket Mercedes? I've had the misfortune of meeting the guy and all I can say is, it couldn't happen to a nicer fellow.

I'm truly sorry for the people that this will effect in a negative way.

Pennbrook Fucked Up

2008-09-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

I see that Pennbrook is suing the Bend Trap Club because the property that they bought to develop is costing a bunch to clean up. STUPID FUCKERS!

You buy some land that's been a trap shooting site for 75 fucking years and now it's contaminated. Ever hear of lead poisoning? Ever wonder why parents get so pissed off when they find little junior out back, chewing on some paint chips or some Chinese toy? Ever wonder why they won't hardly let you shoot a duck or pheasant anymore with anything other than steel shot?

Then someone tells you that they can clean it up for X dollars, and low and behold...it costs them X plus a whole lot more to actually do it.

This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the fact that you may be losing your shirt on some of your other little deals, would it? Just how many high density houses were you going to put on that 40 acre lead pile anyway? Hows 200 sound?

Oh, by the way, I've got a little piece of land out east of Bend that I think you might be interested in. It's been used to bury a few little odds and ends over the years, but I think for a small fee, it will clean up real nice. I'll make you a heck of a deal on it.

It's got a beautiful fence, all the way around it. And it's exclusive, just like Broken Top. It's got a big fancy security gate that will keep all of the riffraff out. Also, the wildlife abounds. Birds and critters everywhere.

I even have a few suggestions for some names of the future development that you might put out there. Hows about Knott's Landing? Or even better, you could give it one of those trendy, one word names, like they do in San Francisco (The Mission) or Portland (The Pearl). You could simply call it, The Fill.

'Pregnant Man' Gives Birth to Girl -- BULLSHIT

2008-07-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

I must say, I'm pretty sick of all the press this fucking idiot is getting. I'm not a homophobe. I don't give a shit if some guy wants to chop off his unit and tuck it inside (or vice versa). You or anyone else are welcome to pump all the estrogen, testosterone, growth hormones, etc., etc. into your body that you want. I don't give a rip. I don't really care about who gets married or what kind of funky sexual hoops they have to jump through to achieve an orgasm, or feel closer to their partner. You can fucking stand on your head with a cumquat perched on your anus and a dog licking your ballsack. HAVE FUN!

No, what pisses me off about this whole situation is that many people seem to think that this woman is some sort of saint, or hero, or something. That she possesses some great inner bravery for sharing her story with the world. C'mon folks, get real. I'll bet you a bundle that she's either in it for the money or just likes to see herself on Oprah...or both.

When I read passages like this --"Born a woman, Beatie, 34, who had had his breasts surgically removed and legally changed his gender from female to male, leaped to prominence around the world in April when the wispy bearded man revealed he was pregnant. "-- I just shake my head. Folks, this is nothing more than a woman that's had some plastic surgery and some shots.

Now I truly believe that a person can be born in the wrong body. All of the gay people that I know, have known that they were attracted to the same sex from very early on. It was not a learned behavior.

If a gay couple, or a straight couple, or this gal, wants to have a child...who am I to tell them it's wrong. If they can't do a decent job of raising that kid, and loving it, and nurturing it, then they don't deserve to have one. And society should have a problem with that. Not because they're gay(or whatever) but because they're bad parents! And if this woman's intentions are anything other than pure, with regard to bearing a child, then we should have a problem with her, too.

In this case, I'm not sure what her intentions are. But the fact that she seems so willing to put herself out there, raises some red flags.

Tuscany Pines Update

2008-06-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

O.K., I just couldn't leave this one alone. What the fuck is with that stupid T.V. ad that the good folks over at Tuscany Pines are running? My Great and Gracious God Almighty in heavan above, that's gotta be the stupidest ad I've ever seen...or heard!

Some fembot with a fake Italian accent is trying to push those fucking fecal fortresses in that little slice of Tuscany, er...dirtpile, in the middle of Bend, Oregon. Oh, and I take that back. It's not fecal fortresses, it's fortress, as in singular. At least from what I can tell by the pics, it looks like in the last year or so, only one townhome and a clubhouse have actually been built there. Makes for a great neighborhood for the kiddies. "Hey Johnny and Suzy, why don't you two go out and ride bikes with the sage rats?"

I'm just guessing that Z21 produced the spot, which surprises me. Usually I can stomach most of the stuff they create. But this one, it's just plain stupid.

If I'm correct, some guy name Trono (a U.C. Berserkeley grad no less) has taken over for the illustrious Cate Cushman, and man is he making it tempting to go down and buy five or six of these little gems. Only $400K with $0 down.* Of course the little asterisk leads you to the caveat--*(based on availability). Yes, you'd better hurry!

Abacus GC -- Building Butt Ugly With a View (or, Would You Like To Pet My Monkey?)

2008-04-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

I drove out Newport Ave. the other day 'cause I hadn't been out that way for quite a while and I wanted to see what was going on. I cruised out past the Newport Mkt. and waved to Spike and Rudy on the way by. I drove about another block, rolled down my window and proceded to puke all over the side of my pick-up.

There, in all their full fledged putridity, where these ugly, boxy, pieces of shit!

These have to be the ugliest, most out of place, crap trap houses, in all of greater Bend Oregon. I hope to God in heaven above, that whatever school signed off on this guys architecture card, goes way, way out of business.

I don't give a shit if they are Eco-Friendly. I would quite honestly rather see a big, toxic gas emitting, pile of shit, stacked up right there. Yes folks, these things are that ugly.

And what in the hell is this "Newport District"? Oh, I get it, it makes little 'ol Bend sound sophisticated like some pretentious neighborhood back in Cali, or Portland, where the designers of this shit are most likely from...kinda like the Mission, or the Pearl. I'm sure soon enough they'll just start calling it the Port. Hell, if you continue to build crap like that all over that neighborhood, we might as well just call it the Shit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm as sick of "Craftsman Style" as the next guy...but this? This shit belongs in Germany. Dieter (the host of Sprokets) and his pet monkey would fit right into one of these things. And I do mean things.

"Houses in Bend are overvalued, report says"

2008-03-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

Well no shit! A report out of Ohio finds that homes in Bend were overvalued by 60% in the last quarter of 2007. That's why we're in this mess. And until those values correct themselves, we're screwed. It also says that historically, it takes about 3 1/2 years for those corrections to occur.

Then you get the typical rose colored outlook from some sack-o-shit realtor, Ruben Garmyn. "Yes we are going through a downturn, partly driven by the media, but we are showing lots of property to potential buyers." Buddy, you can show your overpriced shit boxes to people all day long, but until you actually sell one, who gives a fuck.

Oh and that "media driven" line. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. I don't think that the media has the power or the dumb sense to do such an idiotic thing. It's called economics, you fool. It's funny to me how some say the media won't be honest about the downturn because it will drive away all of their real estate revenue, yet the realtors say that the downturn is partly media driven. Sounds to me like the media is painting a fairly accurate picture if both sides feel they're being screwed.

What pisses me off the most is just how unscrupulous these lying, no moral, money grubbing realtors can be. Most of them tell you how swimmingly things are going in the Central Oregon real estate game. They're either liers or just complete idiots! You've got people like this Garmyn guy or Dana Bratton saying, "You've got 60 days to make that great buy and then they're onto us," or "So I say, make the move-don't miss the boat." What, miss the boat on houses that were 60% overvalued just 3 months ago? Hmmm...

And the contractors are right there with 'em. COBA (Central Or. Builders Assoc.) has their new, "Best Buyers' Market in 20 Years!" campaign going on right now. So what that should be telling us is that the 60% overvaluation of homes has not only corrected itself, it has reversed itself to some degree. I don't think so. A vast majority of the homes for sale in C.O. right now are still grossly overvalued. They're inching their way downward, but they're overvalued. We're going to have to get a lot closer to that 31/2 year mark to even remotely support C.O.B.A.'s claim.

Would it be so bad to say that the market is extremely tough right know and we're all working our butts off for every sale that we can make. I don't think that anyone would take offense to that. And I don't think it would sway peoples decisions to buy or sell a home.

I guess that I really can't blame these folks for trying to have a positive outlook on things, their lives depend on it. And after all, they are salesman. I just wish they would show a little more character.

A bunch of people have been extremely greedy for a long time and it has caught up with them. Nobody seems to know how to live within their means anymore. And saving a little money for a rainy day, yeah right. You shouldn't borrow money unless you can pay it back, even if it means selling everything you've got. You just have to know that what you've got is sellable. All of this sub-prime, pie-in-the-sky bullshit is catching up with us. And even though the long list of lenders, developers, contractors, reators, etc., etc., are partly to blame, the buyers that were foolish enough to believe them are just as responsible.

Jake's Diner--Old School Central Oregon

2007-11-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading the most current post on "Diner Life" @ http://jakesdiner.blogspot.com/. If you're not familiar, it's a blog written by a man named Lyle Hicks. Now I don't personally know Lyle, but I know a few things about him.

I know he was born in Bend, on Hospital Hill, a good while ago (so was I). I also know that he does a lot of good for the people of Central Oregon. He is involved in helping veterans, Habitat for Humanity, senior citizens, and as far as I can tell, many other groups and individuals in this area.

In his most current post (11/23/07), he tells of how he and his staff and volunteers, fed & entertained 350 senior citizens Thanksgiving dinner, AT COST! Nothing in it for them but the satisfaction that they helped some people out.

This is truly "Old School Central Oregon." It seems to me that many of the recent transplants to this region know nothing about helping thy neighbor. They do, however, know a boatload about helping themselves. And that appears to be the only thing that they do know about. Yes I know that there are a lot of new people living here that have a lot of giving in them. And I also know that there are some old-timers around that are just pure mean. But I guess why I take note of this, and what disturbs me the most, is the trend. People in C.O. just aren't as nice to one another as they used to be. And in my case this often causes two reactions, sorrow and anger.

Sad not for the growth in C.O. We have first rate medical facilities, much better restaurants, stores, cultural activities, etc., etc., etc. In many, many ways, C.O. is a richer and more diverse area than it used to be. No, it makes me sad when I have to deal with a bunch of fucking assholes. The majority of which, came from somewhere else.

It used to be that when waves of people moved to this area, they acclimated. They liked the way things were here and tried hard to fit in. Now, this new breed of selfish fucker, wants to move here and have everyone here adapt to fit into their little bullshit, selfish, meaningless lives. If you can't tell, that's where the anger comes in.

But enough of that, let me get back to Lyle and his friends. He's a good man, and stands for what C.O. was, and should still be, about. You should read his blog. You should dine at Jake's Diner. You should strive to be more like these people, and help to support them. Whether it's with their cause, or your own. I DO!

Tuscany Pines...Welcome Home!

2007-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

I just had the not-so-distinct pleasure of meeting two of the stupidest fuckers in all of Central Oregon. Their names are Jason McAlister and Sheri Herrick. No, I didn't meet them in person. I was reading BendBubble2(http://bendbubble2.blogspot.com/2007/11/rip-breeze-wurzels-plaza-we-hardly-knew.html) and saw mention of a real estate development called Tuscany Pines. I Googled it and poked around the web site a bit.

Let me give you just a few reason why these two smiley faced, yuppy fucks, are such stupid bastards. First of all, they're just now getting into the nuts and bolts of building what looks to be a pretty good sized development, at about the worst time to do so in the last 25 years. The real estate mkt. in this area is tanking, and going to continue to do so for probably the next 3 years, or more. Everytime I see "What's Going Up" on the front of The Bulletin's business section recently, I just have too sit back and chuckle to myself and think...those stupid mother fuckers. NOBODY SHOULD BE BUILDING ANYTHING IN THIS REGION RIGHT NOW!

And folks, that Tuscan themed bullshit is sooooo played out. Fuck, you might as well build Shire 2 (in 3D). "Tuscany Pines is a unique walled community of 99 Tuscan-style town homes on 11 acres of gently rolling meadows full of old growth ponderosa pine trees. The site design is a result of joint efforts between the developers, engineers and arborists. More than 70% of the large trees are preserved and protected to enhance the livability of the community and our neighborhood." --- Just how many rolling meadows and old growth ponderosas can you really put on 11 acres, anyway? Especially when its got 99 godawful townhouses, a clubhouse, and a pool on it! Oh but wait, there's more.

These two are probably the most highly qualified real estate developers on the planet. Get this, he's a professional snowboarder and she's a fucking T.V. anchorwoman. I shit you not. But it says that Jason has been mentored by his daddy-in-law Pat Gisler...and that Pat and his family have over 100 years of successful experience in all aspects of real estate. Well no shit. My god, if Pat Gisler is still alive, he's most likely well over 100 years old all by himself. Hell, I think I even saw Willard Scott with his picture on a jar of strawberry jam the other day.

Then came the piece of the puzzle that set my mind at ease. These beauties are going to be sold by none other that the famous Cate Cushman, of Cushman and Tubbs. Cate the one who reportedly thought that Matt Tomseth was just another Les Schwab tire monkey and sent him on down the road when he and Diana were looking at places in Broken Top.(Way to do your homework, Cate.) Jason, if your a bettin' man, I'll put up Matt's grand-daddy-in-law, even though I know he's gone, agin Ol Pat, any day! That's all just rumor, mind you.

Bob Slawson, May He Rest in Peace

2007-10-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Central Oregon lost one of its finest citizens recently. Mr. Bob Slawson was just shy of his 100th birthday, and has done as much for the people of this region as anyone that I know. He was a tireless volunteer for Bend senior citizens, and founded the local Meals on Wheels chapter. He personally was responsible for feeding thousands of meals to area needy. Beside all that, he was one hell of a nice man. I'll miss him deeply, and Central Oregon won't be the same without him. There's a nice story about him on the front page of today's (10/3) Bend Bulletin.

Redmond's Lucky To Have New Wal Mart

2007-09-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went to the new Wal Mart in Redmond today, and it was very nice. The parking lot was nice and friendly to use, and the building was attractive, both inside and out. The employees, to a person, were friendly, courteous and helpful. The selection of just about everything that a person might need was almost overwhelming. The prices were very reasonable, though I don't claim to be the world's best comparison shopper. The only real problem that I could see with the whole thing is, that by all rights, that store should be in Bend.

And it would be in Bend if it weren't for the likes of a regular who's who of NIMBY assholes that live in Bend. Call them Central Oregon Jobs with Justice, Our Community First, notanotherwalmart.org, or just plain ASSHOLES, it's all the same. A bunch of pricks that used all kinds of excuses to keep what they consider just another ugly box store out of their precious back yards.

Led by the likes of some guy named Michael Fuck (or Funke?), Anne Philiben?, and a bunch of other idiots, this group ultimately got it's way. It's amazing that on their web page they state that their #1 goal is to "stop the siting of a Wal-Mart Superstore in Central Oregon."--yet the minute Wal Mart chose to build in Redmond and not Bend, they basically shut up. So I guess "Central Oregon" to all of these folks was pretty much that portion of C.O. that's within just a few miles of where they are.

I gotta tell ya, I haven't heard of any police calls re: the people in Wal Mart's Human Resources dept. holding guns to the heads of those who applied to work there. And I didn't see anyone working at the store that looked fearful of the ramifications of quitting their job and walking right out the front door of the place. Hell, most everyone I saw working there seemed to be pretty happy, inspite of the large #'s of people shopping there.

Oh, and there were lots of people shopping there. I understand that since the store is brand new, it's prolly gonna get some lookie lous. Hell, I guess that I was one of them to some degree. I and many others will most likely go back to our regular shopping habits at other stores. For me personally, the Redmond store is just too far away for most of my shopping. But for a bunch of those people, many of whom looked to me like they weren't particularly wealthy, that store is a godsend. And just as people from Burns and many points east shop at Costco, folks from Madras, Terrebonne, etc., will shop at this new Wal Mart.

Sure Wal Mart isn't the highest wage payer in the region, but at least the people that work there now have a wage, and some other benefits as well, I'm sure. And they're not just out there sucking off the government tit. The employees there also have a little something else...job security. Ask the guy that made a "living wage" as a dry waller for the local contractor how he likes his job now. Chances are his job dried up, and if he was smart enough to save even a little money, he's probably thankful to have an affordable place like Wal Mart to do his shopping.

So I guess that Michael Fuck, Anne Fillmybun, Geoffrey Wheeler-Bartol (yes, a man with a hyphenated name), Bruce Levine (L.A.), Toby Bayard (Portland), and the rest and the rest of you NIMBY fuckers have won. And everyone who has complained about not being able to live in Bend 'cause the cost of living is so high, lost. Go shop at Newport Market!

Downtown Redmond Needs a Brand

2007-09-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

So some folks in Redmond are holding a contest to create a "brand" or slogan for what they hope will be the new and improved downtown. They're even offering $5oo. One of the guys, named Dow, says that every town needs a brand. I couldn't agree less. Some of the greatest towns and cities in the world don't have brands...hell, none of them do. They should spend the money on flowers, or paint, or anything that will make downtown Redmond more beautiful. (or even just a little bit beautiful) Having said that, I think I can help.

Now don't get me wrong, I really like Redmond. I shop there often and go out to many of the finer restaurants there. (the deli counter at Freddy's is quite good) But as a youth who grew up in Bend, I was taught at an early age to hate Redmond. They were the Panthers, and we were the Lava Bears. We also hated Prunetown, Madras, Pendleton (Bury the Bucks) and anyone else that wasn't a Lava Bear.

So with that in mind, here are my contributions to the list of potential slogans that will represent downtown Redmond. They're in no particular order.

1- Redmond, Still a Shithole
2- Redmond, Bend's Whipping Boy
3- Redmond, Gateway to Hell
4- Bend is Just 15 More Miles
5- Redmond, Frontera Del Norte
6- Downtown Redmond, Don't Blink
7- Redmond, Where Sheep are Scared
8- Redmond, Blue Haired Capital of the World
9- Downtown Redmond-For Lease, For Lease, For Lease, For Lease
10-Downtown Redmond, A Thrill a Minute

Got any more?

Jack R. Wyatt -- Another guy with his head up his canal

2007-09-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

O.K., here's another one from The Bulletin regarding the canals. Hot topic, I guess. This Jack R. Wyatt guy wrote an 'In My View' piece in today's editorial page. Seems he doesn't want the irrigation canals or, "man-made wild rivers" as he likes to call them, piped.

He argues the canals provide, "rapids, waterfalls, and the sound of cascading water." All of this for Mr. Wyatts personal enjoyment, apparently. Oh but wait, he plays the environmental card too, listing off no fewer than 11 species of birds and alluding to others that call the canals home. How he forgot the deer, elk, rock chucks, sage rats, common field mice, black labs, etc., is beyond me. I also wonder why if all of these animals are so reliant on the canals, how come we don't see thousands of dead animal carcasses littering the areas around them when the water is turned off in the winter.

He even suggests that the City Council take a walk along the canal so they could see what would actually be lost. Now there's a good idea, let's have the City Council walk the section of canal that runs behind Bill Dolf's house (my 8/31/07 post). If the City Council needs proof that a fireworks ban is necessary, let's see the nature loving Wyatt prancing around behind the home of the privacy loving Dolf, with a bunch of politicians in tow. Yeehaw!

Hey Mr. Wyatt, let me fill you in on a little secret pal...YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! Yes they're pretty to look at, and yes the critters like 'em. But we only have a certain amount of water around here and we'd better damn well take care of it. Do you have any idea how much water is being constantly lost in those leaky old canals due to seepage and evaporation? Millions of gallons, daily. And if you think that anyone is going to get rich off of some sorta hydroelectic facility, buddy I want to know what part of the canal that you live on 'cause they sure must be growing some damn good mushrooms there.

Yes, I bet you can "...attest to fish in the canal." Hell I charged a couple of clients $6oo. for a half day guided trip on the Upper Yeoman Road section of that "man made wild river" last week. We pulled a 23 lb. native buck steelhead out of a nice little riffle up there. NOT! The only fish living in that man made, labyrinth of water don't belong there; they never have and never will.

And I just have one more quick question regarding your little story in the paper. Where in the hell did you come up with that $50,000. per home figure that you claim will be lost in home values if the canal is piped? Did you just pull that one out of your little bag of wisdom?

I will bet you money that at some point in the not so distant future that just about every canal and most of the larger ditches in this region will be piped. Chances are that we're going to have to do it whether we want to or not. And for the sake of a whole lotta people that are going to place a whole lotta demands on the finite amount of water here down the road, we ought to do it responsibly, with our heads held high. Not like a bunch of snivelling little pussies that don't want their pretty "backyard water features" to go away.

Bill Dolf -- King of the Canal Assholes

2007-08-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

Have you read this one in The Bulletin? -- http://www.bendbulletin.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070831/NEWS0107/708310487/1001&nav_category=
It's about a guy named Bill Dolf , and his neighbors, that don't like people using the canal road behind his house. What a bunch of assholes. People have been using the "ditch rider" roads for as long as I can remember, for all sorts of recreational purposes. Some of them were even legal! Now a bunch of pricks move in and want to change what has always been. Probably 'cause they're offended by it. These are most likely the same people that are tossing garbage in the canals like it was going out of style. Hell, even the DA, Mike Dugan, uses the road for riding his bike...and has for years and years. Now this Dolf guy thinks Dugan is setting a bad example for the community. Well Dugan and I disagree with him. He's the one setting the bad example by being an un-neighborly dickhead.

Smiles Everyone

2007-08-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yep, just like Mr. Roarke used to say to that stupid little fucker, Tattoo, "Smiles everyone!" That's why we've been put here in Central Oregon...God's country. So that we have plenty of reason to smile. But this blog isn't about bible thumpin' or God squadin'. Nope, it's about hell raisin' and saying whatever the fuck I want. I might even piss a few folks off in the process. GOOD!

Oh, by the way, if you're a Californicator or a Flatlander, please don't try and change things here to the way they are at home. We like it just the way it was. If it was good enough for you to move here, then just leave well enough alone. Just remember one simple rule...M.P.A.'s Go Home!